I'm sure that everyone can identify with the cliche, you need to stay true to yourself. However, for some of us this is like to a person handing dynamite to the man who breathes fire. Will he die? Will he survive with seemingly effortless grace?
This is what admitting to being Bi is like for me. As if I were saying that I commit crimes against humanity, or that I do drugs, or I am a raging Kleptomaniac. I am not ever sure if the person I am speaking to will say, "Oh? Thats cool." OR "(*gasp*) You know I've heard people can recover from that!"
I am happy with who I am, but I have this problem with caring what other people think. Maybe I can grow past this, but until its all the same to me, whether you think I'm just me, or a sick, twisted person; I choose who I tell with care.
I am not sure if this self preservation is natural, or just the next step, and I'm still hiding. I would like to hold my girlfriend's hand in public without getting hateful insults being thrown from cars, because I love her; and I would like to hold my boyfriend's hand at the same time. (dear lord did she really say THAT?) Yes, its true. Its all true. Deep down, this is the most natural thing for me. I am loved, I love in return, and all is right and good, until I have to face the fact that the world outside my house is not as loving as me.
Even the people I believe care about me enough, (or just wouldn't care one way or the other) I am unsure of, the hesitation borne of the history that I have with the judgy people that have hidden in my family, and were there, waiting in my friend.
I have my moments of bravery, when I told my close friends.......and my family knows. I was just as surprised as my mother was, when my sister-in-law came out FOR me!(Who knows how the fire breather survived that explosion) and then there was the bad one.
I guess that loving more than one person at a time is a crime even more heinous. My mother didn't talk to me for a month, and I thought that I had lost everything. I felt though, I had better tell her about my open relationship before it came out on its own. I was devastated by her abandonment and I thought that she couldn't truly love the real me, but I felt it then; that release from the bonds that tied me to the image I was hiding behind, and I knew freedom. I am no longer a lie.
Let me be true to the fire breather, no matter what the person next to me may be holding.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Late night spaz, shopping high
So either it has been too exciting a day to end in in a mundane let down (Say sleep, or something) or I have had too much caffeine; but I'm sure that it has worn off by now. Probably.
My morning started off boring enough, as my Mondays tend to be. Its my Sunday, so I sleep in, do laundry, watch movies, and take very long baths. It turned out to be a little less boring than watching paint dry this time though, because of.....well I guess the universe was just getting a little sick of my lazy "Sunday" routine.
First, I got bored. I mean, horrendously, out of my mind, cant-stand-just-my-own-company bored. It was only about ten thirty in the morning! I can usually last until at least two in the afternoon, when I have overslept, and watched a whole bunch of silly stuff on youtube and haven't even showered yet.....Anyway I hadnt made it out to check if my Netflicks came in the mail, and here I was, already ready to scream, and pull my hair out. Something must be done.
I called my mom because, when in crisis (a complete lack of human contact) I will and have often called my mom to chat, get coffee or shop. I would soon desperately need the latter.
The craving hit about ten forty five, and as I hadn't had much trouble with it in the last few months it hit hard. I needed to spend recklessly, or die. I cant explain this craving, I have never had it before. NOT-LIKE-THIS. It was an unknown factor of my personality. I knew I enjoyed shopping for clothes, but this was ridiculous! It was as if shoes were made of chocolate.
I pleaded with my mom to go shopping and she was happily willing, I did more buying than I have in over a year, and got the shakes from the enormous frapps that we drank. I feel as though a void has been filled in my soul. I came home on a shopping high, and I am thrilled with my purchases. My prize of the day are these amazing, sexy heels that Loki calls "the fifties slutty look" I quite agree. I belive these are the most colorful shoes I have ever owned.
I am wearing these hot pink, brightly patterned sexy-pumps to Chads performance on Thursday. It inspires me to wear a pink lined bomber jacket, and black capris! (Guess my muse) I dont think I will find the jacket in time, but the capris are a pretty safe bet. If not, I will just have to wear a short black skirt and Chad will have to put up with it. Somehow, I dont think he would mind.....what do you think?
My morning started off boring enough, as my Mondays tend to be. Its my Sunday, so I sleep in, do laundry, watch movies, and take very long baths. It turned out to be a little less boring than watching paint dry this time though, because of.....well I guess the universe was just getting a little sick of my lazy "Sunday" routine.
First, I got bored. I mean, horrendously, out of my mind, cant-stand-just-my-own-company bored. It was only about ten thirty in the morning! I can usually last until at least two in the afternoon, when I have overslept, and watched a whole bunch of silly stuff on youtube and haven't even showered yet.....Anyway I hadnt made it out to check if my Netflicks came in the mail, and here I was, already ready to scream, and pull my hair out. Something must be done.
I called my mom because, when in crisis (a complete lack of human contact) I will and have often called my mom to chat, get coffee or shop. I would soon desperately need the latter.
The craving hit about ten forty five, and as I hadn't had much trouble with it in the last few months it hit hard. I needed to spend recklessly, or die. I cant explain this craving, I have never had it before. NOT-LIKE-THIS. It was an unknown factor of my personality. I knew I enjoyed shopping for clothes, but this was ridiculous! It was as if shoes were made of chocolate.
I pleaded with my mom to go shopping and she was happily willing, I did more buying than I have in over a year, and got the shakes from the enormous frapps that we drank. I feel as though a void has been filled in my soul. I came home on a shopping high, and I am thrilled with my purchases. My prize of the day are these amazing, sexy heels that Loki calls "the fifties slutty look" I quite agree. I belive these are the most colorful shoes I have ever owned.
I am wearing these hot pink, brightly patterned sexy-pumps to Chads performance on Thursday. It inspires me to wear a pink lined bomber jacket, and black capris! (Guess my muse) I dont think I will find the jacket in time, but the capris are a pretty safe bet. If not, I will just have to wear a short black skirt and Chad will have to put up with it. Somehow, I dont think he would mind.....what do you think?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Life,Food and a day in my box
I live in a box. I may like my cozy little box, but it is in fact very much away from most of the world. I was thrilled, recently, when I rediscovered my social life. Well, I was thrilled to discover that I Have one. I cannot always guarantee that it will be just as exciting for You.
Today was almost like any other. I got up at two am, because I hit my snooze button for the first half hour, showered at the speed of light or at least a very fast slug, and still somehow managed to get into the kitchen that I work at fifteen minutes early. My boss loves me, and does not suspect on what precarious threads her morning muffins and scones hang upon.
I got all of the baking done in time to catch a ride home (alas for my car, it waits for me like a patient lover, lonely and in need) then when I got to my bedroom I stripped down, and fell into my soft white sheets.
Sleep is good. Sleep is now better than eating, and reading and chocolate. Sex still wins, but sleep is close. I miss my seven or eight hour sleep cycle. Heck, I miss the six hour ones, most of the time. I did get four hours today Yay! and woke to find that my strange lifestyle of the morning baker had screwed up my ability to sleep for longer, and so I got up, and watched YouTube for awhile. Aimless, perhaps. Soothing, definitely.
I like reading scanned manga online, one of the vices that I have, and an easier way for me to get them than buying (which often involves special orders) as I live in the great but very remote state of Alaska.
After a happy two hours of laughter and ridiculous/cute plot lines, Loki got home from her enviably normal-hours job. (I could tell from the sudden thumping from the upstairs apartment) I went up to see her, after a few minutes, giving her a little time to decompress. (unlike her cats, who pounce on people for attention as soon as they are available for petting duty.) Loki was still bonding with her laptop, as they hadn't seen each other in several hours. I like to give them their space when they haven't been together in awhile, you have to respect their relationship and know when to do your own thing.
Typically, when I hang out with my best friend (and landlady), the conversation varies from day to day, but the subjects are almost frighteningly predictable. What are we going to eat? What will we watch together? Some random conversation about our day (venting about sucky job stuff &/or funny/crazy events) and more talk about food and sex. Ok, so mostly its more of joking about sex, but who cares?
Loki is a master at making me hungry. She has recently bought an ice cream maker, and unlike anyone else I have ever known.....she actually uses hers. I am not kidding. I come home, knowing there is fresh, homemade ice cream waiting. Lemon, ice cream made with Samoa cookies, and now there is talk of her making lime ice cream! (I will die in Ecstasy!) There was also this hilarious recent obsession with her new, huge steamer and her sudden desire to "Steam a WHOLE trout!" She did, and as I thought, it was a beautiful thing to behold. I suffer in the throws of a person living with a foodie (on a limited budget). I am quite happy to share in the spoils of her artistry, when she invites me, but really, one of my greatest desires is to grasp the inspiration that seems to constantly surround her.
Mack called me this evening, to ask me if I wanted a puppy. I want anything fluffy, but I have matured somewhat since seven and a half and I can resist cute things. Mostly. I did say no, because a puppy needs time attention and training. I am certain that the cats had nothing to do with it.
I got to talk to Chad for about two minutes on the phone, he was on his way to band practice, which is out in the middle of nowhere and so the phone was cutting out. "Hello there sweetheart! ......*crackle*.....are you? I wanted to call you back, but I'm on my way.....band. Can I ......you later?" Yes love, you can............me later.
Today was almost like any other. I got up at two am, because I hit my snooze button for the first half hour, showered at the speed of light or at least a very fast slug, and still somehow managed to get into the kitchen that I work at fifteen minutes early. My boss loves me, and does not suspect on what precarious threads her morning muffins and scones hang upon.
I got all of the baking done in time to catch a ride home (alas for my car, it waits for me like a patient lover, lonely and in need) then when I got to my bedroom I stripped down, and fell into my soft white sheets.
Sleep is good. Sleep is now better than eating, and reading and chocolate. Sex still wins, but sleep is close. I miss my seven or eight hour sleep cycle. Heck, I miss the six hour ones, most of the time. I did get four hours today Yay! and woke to find that my strange lifestyle of the morning baker had screwed up my ability to sleep for longer, and so I got up, and watched YouTube for awhile. Aimless, perhaps. Soothing, definitely.
I like reading scanned manga online, one of the vices that I have, and an easier way for me to get them than buying (which often involves special orders) as I live in the great but very remote state of Alaska.
After a happy two hours of laughter and ridiculous/cute plot lines, Loki got home from her enviably normal-hours job. (I could tell from the sudden thumping from the upstairs apartment) I went up to see her, after a few minutes, giving her a little time to decompress. (unlike her cats, who pounce on people for attention as soon as they are available for petting duty.) Loki was still bonding with her laptop, as they hadn't seen each other in several hours. I like to give them their space when they haven't been together in awhile, you have to respect their relationship and know when to do your own thing.
Typically, when I hang out with my best friend (and landlady), the conversation varies from day to day, but the subjects are almost frighteningly predictable. What are we going to eat? What will we watch together? Some random conversation about our day (venting about sucky job stuff &/or funny/crazy events) and more talk about food and sex. Ok, so mostly its more of joking about sex, but who cares?
Loki is a master at making me hungry. She has recently bought an ice cream maker, and unlike anyone else I have ever known.....she actually uses hers. I am not kidding. I come home, knowing there is fresh, homemade ice cream waiting. Lemon, ice cream made with Samoa cookies, and now there is talk of her making lime ice cream! (I will die in Ecstasy!) There was also this hilarious recent obsession with her new, huge steamer and her sudden desire to "Steam a WHOLE trout!" She did, and as I thought, it was a beautiful thing to behold. I suffer in the throws of a person living with a foodie (on a limited budget). I am quite happy to share in the spoils of her artistry, when she invites me, but really, one of my greatest desires is to grasp the inspiration that seems to constantly surround her.
Mack called me this evening, to ask me if I wanted a puppy. I want anything fluffy, but I have matured somewhat since seven and a half and I can resist cute things. Mostly. I did say no, because a puppy needs time attention and training. I am certain that the cats had nothing to do with it.
I got to talk to Chad for about two minutes on the phone, he was on his way to band practice, which is out in the middle of nowhere and so the phone was cutting out. "Hello there sweetheart! ......*crackle*.....are you? I wanted to call you back, but I'm on my way.....band. Can I ......you later?" Yes love, you can............me later.
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